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The Facebook Bible, Genesis:I-II
Genesis:I-II
In the beginning,
the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of
the deep. And the Spirit of God moved over the waters. And the Ego of
God realized that creating a universe would lead to the Best Status
Update Ever. And so the divine Voice rang out:
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God
LET THERE BE LOU!! |
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Archangel Lou
is now online.
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God
D'oh!! freakin typos. I wish there were a way to take these things back. Hi, Lou, welcome, sorry it's still dark. Please go find a job in my administration. Now let's try this again. |
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God
LET THERE BE LIGHT!! |
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God
has posted an album:
Light.
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God
This is good. |
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God Sorry I haven't updated my status in a few days. I've
been really busy. Dividing the firmament, dividing the waters below
from the waters above, and all that. It's all good. I also made some
fishes. And, of course, beetles. Lots and lots of lovely, lovely
beetles. |
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Archangel Lou
has found a job making sure plenty of coal is produced. Lou likes coal. |
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Vulture
God
Um, I don't mean to seem ungrateful, because the grass is
delicious, but, well, I have these great fangs. So... is there anything
else on the menu? See
See Wall to Wall
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God
Sure. Dandelions, clover, and of course alfalfa. All you can eat! |
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Vulture
Um, ok. Thanks. |
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Lion
has lain down with the lamb.
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Lion Not that it's relevant, but does anyone happen to
know what these claws are for? They kind of make it hard to pick grass
to eat |
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God
Yes. The claws are so that you can give sheep back-rubs. |
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Lion
Excuse me? |
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God
You see, sometimes the sheep's wool gets a little bit knotted up, and the claws will help push through the tangle. |
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Lion
Oh, I see. Brilliant! |
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God
Thank you. I thought of everything. Sometimes, I even impress Myself. |
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Darwin Hmmm... I can't figure out how those claws could
possibly have evolved. They are of no benefit for the lion itself. I
wonder if those Intelligent Designers are right after all... perhaps
they really should teach both. |
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Sarah Palin
You betcha. |
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Archangel Lou
is now managing the Creation Endowment Fund. |
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Lamb
Lion
A little bit to the right, please. See
See Wall to Wall
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Lion
Grrr.... |
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God
has created man. Ah, now, this is very good. I can only wonder at what he will do, will achieve, will build. |
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Adam
has taken the
Which reptile are you? quiz. Adam is a duck-billed
platypus. This venomous, duck-billed reptile has a tail similar to a
beaver and the feet of an otter. It can directly sense electric fields,
and uses this sixth sense to locate it's prey. |
God
On second thought... |
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God
Adam
You need to get out more. Here, go to sleep... See
See Wall to Wall
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Eve
is now online. |
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God This is very good. A man, a woman, together in
paradise. What could possibly go wrong? And the best three days of
creation are still to come. |
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Eve
has posted an album:
The Garden of Eden in Spring
.
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Eve
I also have this great picture of swimming in the grotto, but it wouldn't let me upload it. |
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Adam
and
Eve
have joined the group
Tell Facebook that going naked is not obscene!
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God
has created unicorns. This is groovy. I am totally in the zone. |
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God is gathering the materials to create the dinosaurs.
Things just get better and better. I'm so excited for tomorrow, I might
not sleep well tonight. |
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Archangel Lou
God
Er, I've got good news and bad news. First the bad. We invested
10% of the Creation Endowment Fund in these highly innovative
structured bonds that ultimately went to buy subprime real estate in
Florida. See
See Wall to Wall
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God
But how is that possible? I still haven't created subprime or Florida. |
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Archangel Lou
As I said, they were highly innovative. Also, as it happens, they are now worthless. |
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God
Oy yoy yoy. Well, at least you didn't invest with Bernie Madoff. |
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Archangel Lou
Actually we did. Another 15%. |
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God
What??!! How much of that 25% is left?! |
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Archangel Lou
About 3%. |
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God
That's terrible!! But you said there was good news. What's the good news?! |
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Archangel Lou
Despite the market turmoil that no one could have predicted, I still qualify for a hefty bonus this year. |
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God
Sorry. I'm going to go to step outside to another universe for a moment, take a deep breath, and count to 32646251527353. |
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Archangel Lou
Archangel Michael
He looks mad. See
See Wall to Wall
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Archangel Michael
Yep. Just hope He doesn't call you by your full name when He comes back. That's always a bad sign. |
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God
Archangel Lou
I had to count all the way to 984284283482384 just to calm down.
I am very upset with your performance, Angel Lou C. Fer. There will be
no bonus for you. In fact, you are hereby banished forever!!! Begone!! See
See Wall to Wall
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Archangel Lou
is falling from heaven. |
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Archangel Michael
God
Yeweco and I have run the numbers, and it isn't good. I think we're going to have to scale back Creation a bit. See
See Wall to Wall
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Archangel Yeweco
In fact, we're going to have to stop it right here, and maybe also take some other actions. |
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God Sigh. You guys are right. Looks like I'm not going to
get to create those dinosaurs after all. I think we're gonna be stuck
with these primates as the master face. And you're also right that
we're gonna have to do some restructurings and even layoffs. And I
don't think I'm going to be able to create the money-growing trees or
even those trees that clean pollution from the air. |
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God Take a chill pill, Bill. Humanity will figure that
out for themselves-- they can't possibly be dumb enough to burn all the
coal Lou put in the ground. Besides I'll make My wishes clear to them. |
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God
Adam
Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue
it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of
the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth. And
screweth not these things up. See
See Wall to Wall
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God
has to implement restructurings and layoffs. Sigh. |
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God
Platypus
As you know, we recently launched our taxonomy transformation
plan, with a goal of achievining 5% efficiency gains throughout the
organization. See
See Wall to Wall
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Platypus
Yes, I know about that. I think it's a terrific idea. |
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God
Good. Effective immediately, you're a mammal. |
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Platypus
What?! my body temperature is too cold to be a mammal! |
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God
Change can be frightening to some. But true change requires that we actualize our potential. |
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Platypus
But I walk like a reptile! |
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God
We can't all be change initiators, but we can all be agents of change. |
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Platypus
But.. but... I lay eggs! |
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God Now, now. Let's not get too bogged down in the
details to recognize that sometimes thought leaders can see a bigger
picture than those amongst us who are small and aqueous. |
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Platypus
has joined the group
Mammals
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Platypus
I am having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. |
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God
Unicorn
You've always been a real hero in our organization, and there
are many planets to which you can make a great contribution. See
See Wall to Wall
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Unicorn
Thank you. |
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God
Unfortunately, Earth isn't gonna be one of them. |
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Unicorn
What?! |
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God
Don't worry... you'll get six weeks pay, even some benefits. |
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Unicorn
But... but... my little unicornlings... Will I at least get COBRA? |
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Cobra
what do I have to do with this? |
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God
Don't worry, Cobra, you get to stay here. Just hang out in the garden. |
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Cobra
Ok. You mean on the beer trees? |
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God Er, sorry, for budgetary reasons, we had to replace
the beer trees with apple trees. But it's ok, apples are good for you.
Just go play on those, ok? |
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Cobra
I hate apples! |
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God
We all have our likes and dislikes. Run along now, and don't cause any trouble. |
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Cobra
Hisss..... |
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Platypus
is moving to Australia. |
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Archangel Michael
God
This unicorn business is really messy. And I think we're gonna
have to rethink what we tell the public about Creation on the seventh
day. See
See Wall to Wall
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God
You're right. Let's just put out a press release that I took the day off. |
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Unicorn
is going to a job fair. |
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Archangel Michael
God
What should we do with all the dinosaur bones? You hadn't finished assembling them yet. See
See Wall to Wall
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God
I dunno, just put them somewhere. Let them be someone else's problem. |
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Unicorn is actively job seeking. Skills include bringing
good luck, serving as a symbol for various causes, evasion, falling
asleep on the laps of lovely maidens, and impaling enemies. Will accept
permanent or temporary work. |
God
I'll be happy to write you a recommendation and circulate your resume. Just let me know. |
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Archangel Yeweco
Actually, I may have just the thing for you. Do you know anything about energy conservation? |
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Unicorn
I can learn. And if it means people use less of Lou's coal, then I'm all for it. |
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Archangel Yeweco
Can you write poetry? |
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Unicorn
Uh, yeah! I write great poetry! |
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Archangel Yeweco
Actually, I just need poetry, not "great poetry." Heck, rhyming couplets will suffice. Can you do that? |
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Unicorn
Sure. |
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Archangel Yeweco
Great. You're hired. You can start your new job immediately here. |
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Cobra
and
Eve
are now friends.
To be continued...
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Archangel Yeweco
You
The next chapter will be posted online one of these weeks (sign up below if you want to get an email when its ready).
Until then, I'd like to invite you to check out a related project I'm working on. It's called Yes We Conserve
and its goal is to help people conserve energy so that they can save
money and we can leave Lou's coal underground where it belongs. Check
it out at http://YesWeConserve.com. See
See Wall to Wall
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